Regret = Guilt and Depression
Like the cat that steals a baby's breath in the middle of the night, in old folk lore, it arrives silently, as a thief invading your home and personal belongings. Digging through draws, overturning carefully placed conveniences donning a home. How violating an experience, to be robbed.
After assessing the devastation comes the coulda, woulda, shoulda's racing through the mind. Did I leave the door unsecured? Should I have had an alarm? Was it time for bad luck to visit? Why me? Insurance won't cover replacement of everything.
It is a totally vulnerable feeling, being robbed. The sense of exposure is raw, cold and unrelenting. Peace of mind, gone. Sadness and anger set in, and paranoia. It can last for a long time. Trust is tested.
Eventually one must begin to rebuild and regroup. Perhaps taking time to choose replacement items with better models. There may be things irreplaceable.
Regret is the thief. It heralds anger, with the self, which often turns inward toward the self, which is the definition of depression.
Regret is plagued with questions that cannot be answered more often than not.
Regret is a misuse of guilt, an emotion we all share as human beings.
What is Quilt: It is the foundational beliefs we carry through life. We are taught what is considered right and wrong. Living 'right' brings validation, being accepted and embraced. Living 'wrong' you are bad, shunned, disenfranchised. Depending on the layers of teachings, your soul could even be a stake.
Quilt is designed to remind us of our foundational beliefs and offers a choice: Either correct your course or expand your beliefs and evolve.
For example; we are taught as children not to cross the street alone, terrible things could happen, fear is instilled to protect you. If however, as you grow and mature you are not taught it is okay to cross at a crosswalk, look left, right then left again, you will continue to go in circles your entire life.
Often we do in many ways, go in circles, as soon as the sensation of fear arises, that is enough to halt most people from examining quilt.
Holding on to guilt does not make you a good person. Some believe this type of self flagellation absolves, it does not, it keeps you stuck.
If you carry regrets bordered by guilt, be brave and use the opportunity it provides to reexamine your truth. Ask if you need to grow, to expand. What is this teaching you, you must ask. Is this your truth or one provided for you?
What is important to keep at the forefront of mind as you peruse and examine is (1)that the only place your power or ability to change anything is in the present. You do not have ten minutes ago, it is now a memory. You do not have ten minutes from now, it is still being formed by your actions of the past and present. All decisions and choices exist right here, right now. It is impossible for it to be applied from the past or future.
(2)Another important consideration; more often than not, we are all doing the best we can with what we know in the moment. To apply new knowledge to a past situation is useless.
(3)Your power and choices are in the now.
Change the Conversation
Relationship Recovery, Rediscovery & New Intimacy:
The length of time is not important;
Whether you have been together 6 months, 10 years or 30 years.
Remember when you couldn’t wait to hear a beloved’s voice, be in the same room, embrace and make love?
Remember the butterflies and absolute joy anticipating seeing your beloved?
Can you put a finger on what has shifted or even broken in your relationship?
Do you seem to have the same disagreement, have challenges being heard or understanding where your loved one is coming from?
It does not matter. The present is your point of power, where you and your beloved pick up and begin and regain your love, adoration, commitment to each other.
Completely change the way you & your beloved express and communicate not only to one another, but also within yourself. What is distinctly unique with Relationship Recovery is that both male & female consultants address your individual issues and the issues within the relationship, which then allows you to evolve together. Not only are you given invaluable tools to change the dynamic of the way in which you interact, also relaxation therapy is an important attribute to releasing emotional debris that has been building over weeks, months, perhaps even years.
You will experience 6 sessions that will allow your relationship to thrive over the coming years. Not only will your relationship with your beloved shift for the positive, but these tools will allow you to communicate much more effectively with every one you encounter; boss’s, employees, in-laws, those you meet along the day.
Sessions:
1) A one on one consultation with both consultants (male and female)
2) Both you and your beloved consult with both consultants and discuss where you feel issues are, and then you are give tools, instructions, exercises to change the dynamic of the way you are communicating and behaving towards one another.
3) Each individually participates in a relaxation session to release anxiety, sadness, emotional debris and re-center and re-focus physically, emotionally and spiritually.
4) Follow-up session with both consultants and couple, updates of progress, tweaking as needed of exercises in communications, behaviors and changes & shifts occurring in the relationship.
5) One on one follow-up with both consultants.
6) Follow up with both consultants and couple.
Couples Counseling Hypnotherapy
Individual Counseling Hypnotherapy
Please Note that this applies to any relationship challenges you may have; Parents & children/teenagers, Friends, Colleagues...
Reset Button
You are running late, negotiating traffic, it slows to a crawl and time is ticking, people are waiting for you. Other drivers all of a sudden become idiots who can't drive. Your phone is dead, no way to inform you are in route. As the moments that feel like hours tick by, you are becoming more and more irate, thinking others will be annoyed, inconvenienced or perhaps even angry with you, your thoughts are racing, blood pressure increasing and you're getting angrier.
Finally your realize there is no getting around this. You are late. There is nothing you can do about it. And then the most extraordinary things happens upon this realization, your body sighs deeply. A new thought arises, deciding what you are going to do once you arrive at your destination, and feel more in control.
The sigh is your personal calming mechanism gifted to you by mom and nature. Yes, mom. When you were an infant and fussing to sleep, mom would sooth you at first, perhaps sing a song, rock you in her arms until you drifted into sleep. A few months later, as you fussed to sleep, mom would let you fuss, cry for a while, allowing you to find your own comfort zone, calmness, and you now have the tools to fall asleep. If you ever watched a baby discovering the comfort zone, you would observe it taking a deep breath, then drifting off to sleep.
We all have this innate ability to calm and center ourselves, more often than not, you do not even realize you are doing it. By consciously utilizing the body sigh, you are able to calm and center yourself within 3-5 deep breathes.
I call this the "Reset Button" technique. Mindfully become aware of any tension in your jaw, shoulders and stomach or lower back, and release it. Move your jaw side to side, raise your shoulders towards your ears and let them drop, let your belly relax, then inhale through the nose, pause a moment or two, then release either through the nose or mouth twice as slowly as your inhalation, repeat 3-5 times.
The benefits of practicing this are multifaceted: Relaxing the muscles allows you to release any emotions your are holding onto. The deep breath delivers nutrient rich oxygen to the brain allowing it to clear thinking for a moment, which then allows you to choose what thoughts you focus upon. You can do this anywhere, anytime, whether sitting, standing, lying down. Most importantly, it delivers you back to your center, you gain control of your mind and what you choose to focus on and release stress and anxiety. You are the Master of your Mind, Ruler of your Body.
Each thought, like raindrops collects, and eventually becomes the nutrients for your seeds to germinate, and thus your garden to grow. Consider your thoughts as raindrops. Your focus as the seeds planted. Where you choose to focus your attentions either creates a deluge, drowning, becoming overwhelmed, or the lack of dreams, desires and goals, finding yourself in a barren, boring place. Make a decision of each thought you allow yourself to focus. In essence, you are nurturing a desire. Even though you may not be thinking of it in that way, it is a truth, it is your truth. You are the master of your mind. Wield your power wisely.
When you focus upon anything not in your immediate now, you are disassociating and in effect removing yourself from the seat of your power, which only resides in the present. If I ask you to show me ten minutes ago, you cannot, unless it is a snapshot or video, but that is still from ten minutes ago, not in the here and now. If I ask you to show me ten minutes from now, you cannot, that is something that is being created from the collective focus you had in the past, and what you are focused upon in the present. So what you have left is the ever spacious present, where you have power, choice to make where you are a pleasure or misery.
We are masters of complicating life, especially when expectations do not meet with our desired reality. Expectations are encapsulated in our belief systems, as well as a projection onto others. Often we become disappointed or worse when our expectations are unmet. We lose faith in others, feeling betrayed or lied to.
Reliance on others, even to keep their word is a slippery slope. The deeper your anger when promises go unfulfilled give you a keener insight as to how much you actually trust yourself. How intense is your anger or disappointment when you yourself do not follow through?
Not long ago I discovered Lao Tzu and I have a common knowledge:
"If you are depressed,
you are living in the past.
If you are anxious,
you are living in the future.
If you are at peace,
you are living in the present."
People often think they are escaping the present, when actually they are retreating into the mind games of time travel. And you are time traveling when focused in the past or future. Your subconscious does not know the difference between imagination or memory based thought processes.
What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be.
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Feel the Power of Two Words
Did you know you are empowering and disempowering yourself with every thought, word or body posture? Your subconscious mind is an obedient servant, it believes everything you say, unconditionally. The subconscious allows you to smoothly operate in the world. For example: You do not need to remember how to drive your car every time you enter the vehicle, you just stick the key in the ignition and go. The ego or conscious portion of your mind deals with the world outside of you, and the subconscious allows you to react without thought.
Words and language are designed to describe. We learn specifically what each word means in our youth, then filed into the subconscious. If you are describing something, and event, feeling, and you use an improper word, there will be an emotional/physiological reaction. Are you aware of this? No, Perhaps?
Let's do an experiment:
Say out loud; "I have a problem." Now notice how you feel, any tension in your body, the jaw, neck, belly or back. Become aware of your energy levels. Now, say out loud; "I have a challenge." Repeat the same observations of tension, energy levels. Most people report that when they state, I have a problem, they feel tension in the shoulders or stomach, their energy levels drop and they feel a sense of heaviness. But when they state, I have a challenge, they feel light, energies rise. Often we use these terms interchangeably, but these words have very different meanings. With 'problem', it's like trying to push through a wall. We have all had problems before, and they are difficult to tackle. We have all had challenges, which often we rise up to meet, knowing we have conquered challenges before. Your body and subconscious knows the innate difference, and will attempt to bring awareness through how you feel physically and emotionally.
It is important to pay attention to your language, the words you use as descriptive, as your subconscious is taking cues or direction and designing your day to fulfilled whatever you intentionally or unintentionally program it to do.
Here are a few examples of words that you may be using that is undermining your best efforts: Try, Wish, Hope, Can't, Should.
Try is a great word for anyone under 10 years old. It gives one permission to fail. Why is this important? Because often when we are young we are little perfectionists, and become quite frustrated when we draw outside the line. At some point a parent or teacher will counsel us; if at first you don't succeed, try, try again. After the age of 10, we want to give ourselves permission to succeed, so instead you say; "I'll do my best."
Wish equals disempowerment. Wishing you win the lottery is perfectly acceptable, however you cannot rely on luck for your income, one must work and afford their life.
Wish has its place when used correctly.
The same goes for Hope. Hope is great if you are hoping the chemotherapy works, or you are called in for an interview for a job after applying. More often than not, hope equals non-commitment.
Can't is very challenging to eliminate from our language. But if you pay attention, more often than not is not that you can't, but you won't.
Lastly Should. It equals procrastination. Pay attention to how often you use this word because procrastination is the gateway to depression. It infers guilt on many levels.
Additionally, your subconscious takes cues or directives from your body language. Make sure your back is straight, you hold your head high. There has to be a congruence of language and how you hold your body to empower yourself in any situation or circumstance, whether alone or with others.
Play with it for a week, see how the subtle shift of your language effects the results you are seeking in your life. You will be quite amazed how this simple mindfulness, and stating exactly what you mean, and mean what you say.
You may want to keep a journal, or you may want to put a quarter in a jar every time you catch yourself using the afore mentioned words.
I would adore your feedback, and what you discovered, and how your life has changed in your personal self-confidence.
I will follow up and expand in future articles.